March 16, 2010

Bathtime fun, and a little look back...

Connor and Camryn are becoming closer and closer each day. Camryn is so enamored with Connor; her face literally lights up when he walks runs into the room! As much as I want Camryn to stay a cuddly little baby, part of me is looking forward to the fights that will come between them, because with that will come a lot of fun, and an incredible bond, I am sure!

I've got a blogging friend with beautiful twin girls (Hi Lissa!) and when I read her posts and watch the videos and pictures, I sometimes wonder if I had my kids too far apart, and will they ever share a bond like her twins do? Well, obviously twins have that a special bond that comes from being together from the very moment of conception, but each day I can see Connor and Camryn getting that bond as well, and becoming more and more like 'siblings' then the big boy and the baby blob! Camryn is becoming more and more of a little person, and Connor is starting to interact with her as such... and well, it's adorable!

I always told myself that no one would ever see this picture, but I'm really starting to love it - it sums up the way I felt the day Camryn was born so effectively, that I finally had to share it:
This picture was taken shortly after I got out of the recovery room, when I am holding Camryn for the first time. If you've read Camryn's birth story, you know that it was a pretty intense event! As they were wheeling me back to my room, covered in warm blankets to help stop my shaking, I was crying like I never have before! I remember taking Kleenex from a box they had placed on my chest saying, "I don't know why I'm crying, I'm happy!!"  In this picture I'm talking to my mom, and telling her Camryn's name. Her middle name, Mina, is after my mom, whose name in Dutch is Harmina.  Derek and I have had this name picked out since we were pregnant with Connor, and, a small part of me knew I had to be having a girl this time, because I knew I had to name her after my mom!  I see so many emotions in my face here... relief, joy, exhaustion, and yeah, probably even some disappointment about having another C-Section. 

I think that's what made me post this today, actually. I still need to come to terms with the fact that I will never birth a baby the way my body was meant to. In the end, how my beautiful babies got here is pretty insignificant, and even though I know that, I still struggle with feeling like I have missed out. I still think about this often, and hopefully, over time, I will find my peace with it.


Mom x2 said...

Lori your picture made me cry. You look so happy, relieved and proud all at the same time! What an ordeal! You're right, how our babies got here is pretty insignificant. The fact that you gave them a wonderful, safe, perfect womb to grow and thrive in until they were ready to meet and embrace you is much more significant!

I love that Camryn and Conner are getting to know each others personalities! My twins were strangers until they were about 6-7 months old! It will come - they will share a sister brother bond that's special in it's own way.

I love reading your updates! :)

Corinne said...

Beautiful picture Lori!

Kati said...

I do feel the same way as you in regards to how my babies got here, but...happy and healthy is best and I try to focus on that. Not always easy! I LOVE the picture!

Theresa said...

Wow Lor, this is the first time I've read this post. Wow. Awesome picture - real life!!

Could it be that this IS the way your body was meant to deliver your babies? I don't know, like the same way my body is meant not to deliver any? That is real life too: and no one's life and no one's body is the carbon copy of any one else's.

I really like the buddhist idea of peace, which is that it is realized by not needing or wanting anything to be different than it is right now, in this moment. I wish you peace!

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